"Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It's the fear of failure, but no urge to be productive. It's wanting friends, but hate socializing. It's wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely. It's feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly numb.”

"it‘s hard to stay mad when there‘s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I‘m seeing it all at once, and it‘s too much; my heart fills up like a balloon that‘s about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold onto it. And then it flows through me like rain, and I can‘t feel anything but gratitude—for every single moment of my stupid, little life." #burst @tk-421 #americanbeauty

"Kudos to those who see though sickness
Over and over and over again."

I use words to cry
I try to share the unknown

TCM

Great day! Backcountry hiking with just the trees. Went off trail after 50 yards where no one had been lately (no shoe prints in the snow). Had soup, 4 cups of coffee and read my favorite book. If I had the means I'd live in the middle of nowhere and not do a gods damn thing. #bfc #bookfitnesschallenge @wanderinglynn

Got off a plane to the countryside
I drove to the mountain and a hole in the ground
There was crack on the corner and someone dead
And fire coming out of a monkey's head
Don't get lost in heaven
They got locks on the gate
Don't go over the edge
You'll make a big mistake

Make me an angel that flies from Montgom'ry
Make me a poster of an old rodeo
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go

I am terrified by this dark thing
That sleeps in me;
All day I feel its soft, feathery turnings, its malignity

Dear darkness, dear darkness
Now it's your time to look after us?
Cause we kept your clothes, we kept your business
When everyone else was having good luck

So now it's your time, time to pay
To pay me and the one I love
With the worldly goods you stashed away
With all the things you took from us

1) camping with the family
2) I rarely read books released in the current year. Trump being honest happens more often than me reading a book from the current year.
3)Pomegranate, salt and lemon.
4) 119 degrees (just last year) I live in Los Angeles. Home of the vapid.

@laurenslibrary #thursdaysurvey Thanks for the tag @TheSpineView

Tagging @jdiehr @Eggbeater @ReadZenRites @cathysaid @C.Perone @karkar

#bfc #bookfitnesschallenge @wanderinglynn
Still trying, today has been really hard but I feel it would be harder without this challenge. I'm in a mental fog just emotionless. Keep kicking ass #bfc

And for all its worth I wish you all a great week

Sound familiar?

“My kind is your kind“

It amazes me how one (by one I mean me) cannot (or should not) expect that a good day (yesterday) be followed by another good day. Regardless of expectations, I find each day seems a fight to chase distractions in order to elude the pain and anguish that resides in that little gelatinous nerve center. The lonely part. I wish it would choose to not inhale oxygen. Melt, drain... just stop.

Thank you everyone for all the birthday wishes, it was a great day. Thank you very much @BookNAround for your birthday card. I appreciate you taking the time, truly. @amyg thanks for the card as well, it was very kind. @Alwaysbeenaloverofbooks I'll keep an eye out for a card in the mail, gods bless you all.

Darkness, always, it doesn't make much sense
All this Darkness, always...
Away from me, calling "stay".

#bfc #bookfitnesschallenge @wanderinglynn

Depression presents itself as a realism regarding the rottenness of the world in general & the rottenness of your life in particular. But the realism is merely a mask for depression's actual essence, which is an overwhelming estrangement from humanity. The more afraid you become of engaging with the world; and the less you engage with the world, the more perfidiously happy-faced the rest of humanity seems for continuing to engage with it.

Week one #bfc check in.

I lifted a total of 50k LB's + worth of weights in 4 days of strength training (including all reps and sets) and walked 22 miles in 5 days. I took my pills 4 out of 6 days. I only thought of killing myself 12 times in this week which is good for me (yes I count them).

@wanderinglynn #bfc #bookfitnesschallenge

I know they won't believe me, but
I've got favorite memories
I am saved, I am saved...

Darkness, always, they don't make no sense
Darkness, always
Away from me darlin

I feel like a defective model, like I came off the assembly line flat-out fucked and my parents should have taken me back for repairs before the warranty ran out.

#bfc #bookfitnessclub @wanderinglynn squats, bench press, barbell row and shrug day!

I can't even say that I felt sad today. I can't even say Ive felt numb. Both of those still represent a feeling. I feel nothing and this is not usual for me. I am detached, disinterested, indifferent. I am outside of myself.

You can say the sun is shining
if you really want to
I can see the moon and it seems so clear
You can take the road that takes you to the stars now, I can take a road that'll see me through

#bfc #Deadlifts @wanderinglynn me loves deadlifts

Happy mothers day to all you mothers. Or Sunday to all those who aren't and will enjoy the weekend. Or happy day ending in Y if you don't work and the weekends are meaningless.

900mg of this and it's good night with hopefully an hour or less of agony. Sweet dreams.

When a war wages inside your head, it matters not who wins or loses. You just want it to end.

TCM

To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.

Nothing ever changes
No matter how long you do your hair
Looks the same to everyone else
Everything is changing
I guess I should warn my mum
But she‘ll just be excited

It is a grave injustice to insist that one stop crying. One can comfort a person who is crying which enables them to relax and makes further crying unnecessary; but to humiliate is to increase pain, and augment rigidity. We stop people from crying because we cannot stand the sounds and movements of their bodies. It induces similar feelings in ourselves which we dare not express and it evokes a resonance in our own bodies which we resist.

When you have lost hope, you have lost everything. And when you think all is lost, when all is dire and bleak, there is always hope.

#bfc @wanderinglynn my fitbit info if you're so inclined.

When you're dead, they really fix you up. I hope to hell when I do die somebody has sense enough to just dump me in the river or something. Anything except sticking me in a goddam cemetery. People coming and putting a bunch of flowers on your stomach on Sunday, and all that crap. Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody

I'd rather die than read one of the books on this "bucket book list" what they hell are they thinking?

And then they saw what I felt and then they knew true terror.

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
But there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind?

My goal is to strength train 4 days a week and walk at least 5 miles a week. Read 4 books and take all my pills. @wanderinglynn @wanderinglynn

You're not the first person who was ever confused & frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them. Just as someday, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement & it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry.

"The mild, spicy smell of old books hit him, and that smell was somehow like coming home."

Sign up! You know you want to. So just fucking do it already. @wanderinglynn

Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job. These experiences carry with them feelings. Depression is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is tiresome. People can't be around you when you are depressed. They might even try, but you know & they know that you are tedious you are irritable & paranoid & humorless & lifeless & critical & demanding & no reassurance is ever enough.

And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.

Come one, come all to a beautiful show! its going to be awesome and all sorts of stuff! Do de de de do de de de do de de do de. Some other beautiful stuff!

@wanderinglynn

Uh, I feel that this has given me the most incredible and wonderful thing
that I have ever been given, and also, the worst. It's a mixed bag. I have been taken to the, absolutely, to the depths of extreme terror by this.
But I've also seen so much beauty.

"Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you‘ll find one at the end of your arm.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands: one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

Your “good old days” are still ahead of you, may you have many of them."

It's said there are four layers of consciousness. Store consciousness, root consciousness, a most luminous mind (all namesfor the third layer). It can never be evaded. It is the root of all that ails me. Time to dam the bhavanga.