“The undercurrent of unresolved pain is brutal and insidious. These are the unseen scars of a scapegoated child. I wondered whether I would ever heal. My emotional state vacillated between injured and caretaker, trying to nurture my own soul.“
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“I used to think I would travel the world on my own because I didn‘t belong anywhere. I thought I didn‘t fit in. It‘s true. I don‘t belong anywhere because I fit in everywhere.“
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“I asked myself the question that had haunted me for nine months: Would they make an example of me? Or would they give me a chance to set an example instead? I was certain I was doomed.“
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“This beautiful experience of divine love opened my heart and mind to something more, a conscious acknowledgement that I was absolutely loved and lovable. I‘m going to be okay. And I hadn‘t been okay for so long, not just years, but across the entire trajectory of my life...
“Suddenly, the presence of some sort of Christlike spirit entered my heart and showered over me. I felt overcome by love and relief. All of those illusory cracks and crevices that made me think I was so broken began to fade. I understood the concept of dying in order to live—I had to kill off all those old ideas that kept me trapped in a belief system about my own brokenness.“
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“Given how sick I looked, prison staff took me straight to the infirmary. My spirit broken and my body temperature rising, the vinyl mattress became soaked and unbearable to lie on. I rolled off the gurney onto the cement floor, feeling the cool surface against my cheek...
“From there, I was off and running. I camped out with an old drug-dealer friend named John, sleeping on the floor of his flea-ridden hotline hotel room in the Tenderloin. Tweaked out of my mind, I had become that guy carrying garbage bags and screaming at trees, a strung-out disaster...
“But I also couldn‘t help thinking other things, like, This is bullshit. This can‘t last. I don‘t deserve any of this. Some broken part of my being refused to let me be. I stopped writing and repeating my affirmations. I stopped manifesting. I quit going to meetings, which I justified to myself because no one in those meetings was staying clean anyway. My focus shifted. And that‘s when everything fell apart.“
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“My life had taken off. I wasn‘t making anywhere close to ten thousand dollars a month, but I had more equity in living than I‘d had in decades on the street. Just as Jeff Stevenson had taught me all those years earlier, I saw how I could truly manifest and create my own life...
“Our relationship wasn‘t working because my relationship with myself wasn‘t working. I needed to be single. I needed to get to know me. My entire life had been an endless dependency on a person or a drug or a system. I needed to not be taken care of by someone else for once.“
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