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Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy | Jessica Fern
2 posts | 5 read | 1 reading | 3 to read
Attachment theory has entered the mainstream, but most discussions focus on how we can cultivate secure monogamous relationships. What if, like many people, you're striving for secure, happy attachments with more than one partner? Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern breaks new ground by extending attachment theory into the realm of consensual nonmonogamy. Using her nested model of attachment and trauma, she expands our understanding of how emotional experiences can influence our relationships. Then, she sets out six specific strategies to help you move toward secure attachments in your multiple relationships. Polysecure is both a trailblazing theoretical treatise and a practical guide.
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I guess this book is good for what it is, but it really isn‘t what I was looking for. Then again, what I was looking for—“polyamory, how to do it correctly”—probably doesn‘t exist 😂 But the order of the subtitle is the order of importance in the book, and those aren‘t strong concerns for me. I did get some useful nuggets out of the book, though.

Clare-Dragonfly Now that I think about it more, maybe I‘m looking less for “how to do it correctly” and more for “how to understand what you want out of polyamory and how to go about getting that.” 🤔 1y
dylanisreading I read this book too. For what you're looking for, I'd recommend therapy. 🤣 (But seriously though.) 1y
Clare-Dragonfly @dylanisreading Fair point 😅 but for that to work, I‘ll have to find a therapist who doesn‘t ask things like “what counts as cheating in polyamory?” 1y
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I was so hopeful and excited for this book, and while it is a nice nonjudgmental introduction into consensual nonmonogamy in many ways, it‘s also rooted in so many problematic things. Starting with the idea that our adult relationships are attachment relationships (they are not). It also assumes often that people want to be on the relationship escalator, and misses intersectionality over and over. Pretty let down by the groundwork of this book.